Thank God fall is here. It couldn’t have come quick enough. Sure this was the best summer we’ve had in 25 years, but is that really a good thing?! Too much anxiety to cram everything in before the weather turns bad again.
My wife likes to use the term “bucket list.” Ever since that movie came out, it’s been plumbed into every conversation we have. “Oh, that’s on my bucket list.”
Well, you know what’s not on my bucket list? Everything that’s on your bucket list! Actually, the only thing on my bucket list is to hang out with her. In doing so, I’ve gotta do all the crap on her bucket list.
The fi rst thing on her list was a trip to Boothbay Harbor to go on a whale watch with the kids. Boothbay is a beautiful little ocean nook fi lled with people wearing alligator shirts, plaid shorts and salt water taffy stores. Not a Caterpillar boot or Carhart jacket to be found. Why are people so interested in watching them make taffy? I watched 12 people stare through a sidewalk window at a girl making taffy for an hour. Did you really have that many questions about taffy making?
Finally we set out on our “whale watch.” I believe they should call it a “whale search” because you’re not “watching” anything. A hundred of us idiots standing on the bow for two hours watching a puffi n bird take a dump on a buoy. Finally, a giant whale jumps up 20 feet from the boat. My wife took 157 pictures in 4 seconds. She stood up on the railing and almost fell in. “Oh, my God, Bob! I almost fell in the water with that big whale!”
I didn’t feel it was a good time to tell her that scenario was on my bucket list.
“What would you have done?” I probably would’ve waved and said, “Steam forward, Captain!”
The next item on the bucket list was to see Jimmy Buffet at the Comcast, Tweeter, Coca Cola, Dairy Queen, TD Bank Center. Or whatever they’re calling it this week. Tickets? $320 each. Ouch!
“Oh Bob, I really want to see him!” Yes, and I really want to sleep with all the models on “The Price is Right.” I didn’t say that to her. You never say what you’re thinking. That’s how you stay married. Jimmy Buffet is fi ne and he draws a festive crowd. So there we were tailgating, sharing a mango peach wine cooler. Up pulls a limousine, window comes down, guy in a Hawaiian shirt sporting a Magnum PI moustache says, “How about you guys jump in with me and the wife and have some beers?”
So we thought that was a polite offer and being good Mainers, you don’t want to offend. Once in the limo he says, “So, what are you guys into?” Oopsy, daisy! Houston, we’ve got some swingers on our hands. My wife, without missing a beat, says, “Well, I like to scrapbook.” I grabbed her and we jumped out of the “love limo” because neither one of us had that on our bucket list.
Bob Marley is the Maine-based comic who recently entered the Guinness Book of World Records by performing 40 straight hours of standup comedy. His annual year-end shows at Merrill Auditorium are Dec. 28-31. See www.PortTix.com for tickets. Find him at facebook.com/bobmarleycomedy or bmarley.com